*crickets chirping*

Oh, hi there.

So I took a non-intentional hiatus.  Just kinda happened.  No particular reason, other than I just got a little busy living life.  Maybe a little uninspired.  Maybe a little overwhelmed.  And I felt...unattracted to writing.  Weird, right?  I honestly hadn't even turned on my personal laptop in what has probably been months.

But somehow I winded up checking out my own blog.   Reading back on my own posts.  And I just miss documenting. Writing things down that I would normally never remember or record.

So here I am again.  I can't promise anything, but I am certainly going to make a concerted effort.


How ya been, blogger world?

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new look!

 

Uhhhh....who dat?

It's me! It's me! I swear!

Things are looking a little different around here these days...starting with me!  I was offered this great deal for my birthday for a mini-spa day that included a hair cut and color.  Now keep in mind, the only person who's laid a finger on my hair in the past 6 plus years is my stylist, Dana, so this was a total step outside of the box for me.  So I decided to be a good sport to myself and indulge..

aaannnnnddddd dude totally chopped off WAAAAY more than I was expecting.  

GULP.

If y'all remember, I usually welcome change...except when it comes to my long hair!

In which case I pace, and stutter, and bite all my fingernails off.

I kid.

(Sorta.)


So imagine my horror when I told dude I wanted just a couple inches off and he hacked off my ponytail...hacked it off!!!!!  I was totally unprepared for that.  I completely forgot that I've been spoiled by Dana over the years.  That MOST hair stylists always cut off more than you want, but not my Dana!  She's a woman of her word.

So yeah, I forgot about that.  And lost about 4-5 more inches of hair than I wanted to.

I think it's even shorter than the time I hacked my braids off purposefully. 


Ah well, it's cool (temperature wise) and kinda cute (even though I'm not a cutesy kinda gal) and definitely easier to style, and uses less shampoo, so I guess it's economical?

Whatever, it's hair it'll grow.  ;-)


I suppose I was in a "change my appearance" kinda of mood, cause next thing I knew, I was google searching for a new blog template.

You think that'd be the easy part.

Child, please.


I have no idea why I obsessed about this task for FOUR HOURS, but I did.  For four hours. Trying out new templates, tweaking them to the point that they looked okay, and then deciding  I didn't like them.  And of course I know JUST ENOUGH of HTML to be dangerous, but not enough to not spend FOUR HOURS on this task.

I started out with this one:

 

Which I like well enough, until I realized the my actual blog post would be confined to about 1/4 of the screen. And y'all know I'm wordy, so that was a no-go.  Waaaay too much scrolling down involved...

Then I saw this one:

 

which I loved in theory.  Until I actually pasted it in and took a look at what it looked like as MY blog...and within the span of one post, I was feeling crazy.  Too many swirls and flowers...I want to look at my post, not that background.  Those swirls started looking like a car accident on the highway---you don't want to look, but you can't look away.  So that got 86'd.


Next was this lovely arrangement:

 

It's cute.

It's whimsical.

It's cute.

It's sweet.

It's cute.

It's so not me.

NEXT!

This is the one I like to call "that hot mess of a girl at the bar."

 

the gentlemen out there will know what I mean...at first glance it looks awesome! Likes to have fun, colorful (but not too much), looks like it's got it's sh*t together...but then when you get a little closer and dig a little deeper, you realize the margins are all off, the graphics are running into one another, and everything that ONCE looked hot, know looks like a hot mess.

That blog template will be the one puking in the gutter outside the bar at 2am..mark.my.word.

So then I got a bit creative with this one:

 

and within a few minutes I thought someone had slipped something into my drink.

NO THANKS!

What about this one?

 

yep, that's what I thought.

NEXT!!!

I ended back at the good ol' Blogger template...and found this one:

 

which is lovely and calm, and serene, and nicely spaced.

and kinda blah.

I was just about to give up and then I stumbled across this one.  The one you currently see.  And I just love it.  Even though it's very pink.  I love it.  The font is "Parisienne,"  parfait!  And it's just the amount of fun, and whimsy, and grown-up-ness, and organization, and classiness that I'd like to sport on my blog.  Especially at this new age of thirty-fun.

I hope you like it too.

Plus, it's really funny to me to see not-so-nice words in fancy Parisienne font, see?

Ass Hat

Douchebaggery

Jackass

Mofo

I love it. And a spruced up new look for a new year is always a good thing.

And I guess I am starting to dig these highlights...

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ringing in the new year

 

Welcome Summer!

Today is my 31st Birthday. :-)

Usually my birthday falls on the Summer Solstice--the first day of summer and the longest day of the year.  When I was little I used to think that that meant that my birthday was physically longer than any other day.  I didn't quite understand that it meant that the sun was out the longest on my birthday.  I thought that somehow my birthday managed to exceed the standard 24 hours in a day.  I thought that somehow I got to enjoy my birthday longer than anyone else. 

I thought I was pretty lucky. 

{I felt terrible for those poor Winter Solstice kids who got gypped and ended up with the shortest day of the year. ;-) }

However this year, because it's a leap year, the Summer Solstice fell on the 20th of June instead of the 21st.  And instead of my birthday being the longest day of the year, my last day being 30 was the longest day of the year.  And it just so happens that I tend to go into this reflective state right around the change of the year....it happens on New Year's Eve, and on birthday Eve (which are conveniently about 6 months apart).  I think about where I am, where I want to go, what my goals are, what I want to accomplish, what changes lie ahead... 

So I was given the longest day of the year to think about all of those things.

I think I was pretty lucky.

It's strange because just a couple days ago I was looking through this blog, looking at the list I posted this time last year, and I thought to myself, "wow, Nas, you really fell short this year!"  While there's a lot I did, and a lot I still have yet to write about, there is quite a lot left un-done.  Things I didn't accomplish.  Even more outside of this list, things I wanted to more forward, but haven't.  Things I thought would be different now, but have gone stagnant.

These are things that go far beyond this list...life things, relationship things, family things, financial things, career things....things I had planned on working on and improving.  Things that are not necessarily going badly, but things where I see room for improvement.  And while some of these things have improved, some of them have not...or not to the degree in which I wanted them to.

And I was starting to feel pretty bad about that.



But then yesterday, on the longest day of the year (and my "day of life reflection") something popped in my head.  Something that I had written once before.  Something that I knew I had posted here.  Something that just made SENSE.

I had to search to find it.

But I found it.

I found it here. 

And more importantly, this is what it was:

"It's not about crossing items off a list....it's about experiencing life NOW."

You know how when you're watching a movie, and there's something that the main character is missing?  Something that they haven't figured out yet, and you just want to jump through the screen and tell them?  And then all of a sudden, they have this "A-ha Moment" (thanks for the catchphrase, Oprah) and everything just makes sense?

Yeah, that's what happened yesterday, when this sentence--a sentence I had written over a year and a half ago!--just popped into my head.

And as I was scrolling through old posts, and pictures from my 365 project, I realized, sure, maybe I didn't accomplish all of the things I set out to do this year...but you know what I did that WASN'T on the list?

• Saw the Grand Prix
• Experienced an earth quake
• Went to my first hockey game
• Saw in a SkyBox during a Ravens' Monday Night Football game
• Visited the new 9/11 Memorial in NYC...twice
• Climbed to the top of the Bromo Seltzer tower
• Ran on the Maryland Terrapins' football field
• Hosted a Lorax lunch with some great girlfriends
• Conquered Pinterest
• Drove through PA, DE, NJ, NY, CT, MA, VA, NC, SC, GA and FL.

As far as Sadira, these are her accomplishments this year:

• Took her first full year of ballet
• Learned soccer
• Started the big kids' gymnastic class
• Successfully completed her first year of school
• Hi-fived a sting ray
• Visited a butterfly garden
• Met her favorite Raven, Terrell Suggs
• Got a new pet (her fish)
• Made new friends
• Welcomed new baby friends
• Upgraded to a big girl bike

And when I looked over this list, I started feeling pretty good again. 

So when I really think about it, it's been a great year.

But I do have to say it's kind of crazy when I think about this birthday and this new decade.  Last year when I was saying goodbye to my twenties, I felt ACCOMPLISHED.  Because all of the things I had hoped to do in my twenties, I had done.  I had LIVED them, the way I wanted to.  And for me, at this moment in time, my thirties seem to be a bit of a blank slate. 

Sometimes this leaves me feeling unsettled, like I don't have any direction. 

Sometimes this feels very free and exciting. 

I guess it's the Gemini in me.

But most of all, I think the biggest thing I took from my day of reflection yesterday, is that the greatest joy isn't always in the accomplishment, it's in the process.  Just like when you're reading a really good book, and you get almost sad when you reach the end.  Sure you accomplished reading the book, but now it's over.  It was the process that was fun, not just the accomplishment. 

I realize that I'm at the point in my life where I'm in the middle of the process.  With my career, with my current relationship, and sometimes even with Sadira.  There's no graduation or celebration coming up that signifies an accomplishment, or brings about fanfare--and that's okay. 

Because the process is exciting too.

I need to remember to appreciate the process more.

I always thought it was interesting that our Inalienable Rights as listed in the Declaration of Independence were, "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness," not "Life, Liberty and Happiness."

No one is entitled to happiness.  But we are certainly entitled on working to achieve happiness.

How lucky we are that so many of us really can control our own destinies.

I think it's important for all of us to remember...especially in this society of instant gratification...that we are all responsible for our own pursuit.  And while I'm certainly not UN-happy, I think this was a timely reminder to myself that there is beauty and joy in the pursuit.

Here's to enjoying the pursuit!

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am i a bad mom?

"Do you think I'm a bad mom?" a friend asked me not too long ago.

"What??"  I had no idea what she was talking about.

"A bad mom?  Do you think I'm a bad mom?"  she repeated.

"Why in the world would I think that?"

"I feel like a bad mom."  She said.  She went on to explain that she was overwhelmed with parenting.  She had just gotten a call from her son's teacher who was explaining that she needed to spend more time in the evening reading with him.  She's a working mom, has two young children, and by the time she gets home, gets dinner on the table, gets her kids situated, gets the house taken care of, gets the kids bathed, gets EVERYTHING done, it's already past bedtime, they haven't spent the recommended "20 minutes per night" of reading that his teacher is recommending, and she felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the everyday expectations that none of --NONE OF US--can truly meet and still feel like a normal, rational human being.

She started explaining herself, stating her case, looking for areas where she could "make more time," getting herself MORE worked up, and said, "Am I a bad mom because I can't find an extra 20 minutes per night to read to my kid?" and that's when I blurted out, "you're NOT a bad mom!  You're not a bad mom because you're actually asking that question.  Bad moms don't worry about whether their bad moms or not.  They don't worry about their parenting skills. They don't care.  That's why their bad moms. YOU are a great mom. Stop beating yourself up."

It was like a lightbulb went off in both of our brains.


I think this is a question that all of us, as mothers, have wondering about ourselves at one point or another.

Am I a good mom?
Am I doing everything I can?
Is my kid going to need therapy as an adult cause I screwed this parenting thing up?
Am I doing something ass backwards and ruining my child?
Am I doing too much?
Is my kid a brat?
Is my kid on par with his friends?

Did I miss something?


We're not perfect moms, but we're far from bad moms.  We're all just doing the best we can with what we've got.


For some reason I'm really good at giving out advice, or thinking of "the right thing to say" when a friend is upset.  I'm not always so great about listening to my own advice later down the road when faced with the same question.


A few weeks later I was talking to a different friend.  Strangely, this blog came up in conversation.  She said, "I loved the post you wrote the other day...but I have to admit...sometimes your blog makes me feel like a bad mom."

"What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"It does.  It's not your fault, but you just do so much with Sadira, and I feel like I'm not doing enough for my kids.  It's makes me feel like I need to do more.  I feel like you two have such a happy life."

"Are you serious right now?" I really couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I explained to her that this blog is a memory log...it's a list of things I want to accomplish, and obviously Sadira is a huge part of my life, so usually she's involved in the activities too.  It's a collection of the happy, fun things that we've done together.  I don't blog about my day-to-day life, because the purpose of this blog was never to be a journal.  But if I did, there would be more stories of frustration, annoying, patience-testing, and other similar things that parents of young children experience.  This blog is different, and was never meant to document "a typical day in my life."  I'm blogging about the overall, the fun, the happy, the things I want to remember.  I don't really feel the need to blog about the struggles.  I may allude to them, but I don't choose to write about them in a public forum.

I deal with difficulty differently.  I speak about it to friends.  I talk it out, a lot.  I think about it, and talk about it some more.  But I don't write about.  And certainly not on a public blog.

So while my life IS very happy and full, not every day is roses and sunshine as some may think.  I just don't use THIS forum to talk about the tough times publicly.  If that comes across as phony, or like my life is "perfect," I'm sorry.  That's certainly not my intention.  It's just my preference to use this to record different memories...the happy ones, that usually involve friends who like to look back and read over our memories too.

And most importantly it was never, NEVER my intent to make anyone that I care about feel like a bad mom.



So flash forward to this week.  I've been a bit stressed at work, I'm closing on the refinance on my house this week, so juggling that, and feeling the crunch of coming home from an expensive vacation (Disney last week! Ahh!) on both my workload and my pocketbook.  My house is just beginning to look like it's pieced back together again.  There's been a lot on my mind.

And I started doubting myself.  Started thinking about all of the things I could be doing better, how I haven't gone to the gym a single day since we returned from our vacation, how I have a project at work that I really need to work on from home every night this week, but I also need to get all of the laundry finished that I STILL haven't washed from our vacation, and a host of other things...

And then that little voice popped into the back of my head, "Am I a bad mom?"

I seriously started thinking that.

And I know the answer is no, I'm not a bad mom, I'm just a busy mom, but that little voice just stuck there...in the back of my brain.


Then last night I was at my grandmother's house.  She somewhat absentmindedly mentioned to me that her neighbor had taken her kids to Sesame Place (a theme park in Pennsylvania) and they had SO MUCH FUN, and have I ever taken Sadie there?  Because she would probably really really enjoy it!  (Which resulted in Sadira saying, "yeah Mommy, can we go to Sesame Place??!!")

I resisted the urge to scream, "ARE YOU KIDDING WE JUST GOT BACK FROM DISNEY WORLD!!!!"

But I didn't. I just said, "No, we've never been.  I meant to try to go last year, but we never made it."

My grandmother didn't say anything else about it.  She quickly changed the topic, and I'm sure she forgot we even had the (brief) conversation.  But for some reason it stuck in my head.  I remember when Sadira was little and some friends were getting ready to move out of the area, they planned a trip to Sesame Place and invited us along. I declined, though, opting to wait til Sadie was older, since she was awfully little at the time, and I didn't want to spend money on a trip I didn't think she'd even remember.

And now she's pretty much outgrown Sesame Street.

So this morning (THE NEXT DAY, can you believe it? WHY was I still thinking about this?!) as I'm walking around the living room with my bowl of Cheerios in hand, I was thinking,

"Am I a bad mom cause I never took Sadira to Sesame Place?"

Attention Moms of the World, do you hear how absurd this statement is?

 

For the record, Sadie doesn't even care that much for Sesame Street or Sesame characters...she never really got into it (much to my dismay, since it was my childhood obsession!)

Then I remembered the conversation I had had with my friend weeks earlier...that if you even have to ASK the question of yourself, "Am I a bad mom?" then you know what the answer is.  ESPECIALLY when you're asking yourself that question about something as superficial as a trip to a theme park.

 

Good Lord, no.  Of course I'm not a bad mom because of that.  I'm not a bad mom at all!

And then as I was getting ready for work, I thought of all the other little "reasons" why I've felt like a bad mom before.  And I'm going to write them all out right here.  Just so we can all see how absolutely ridiculous they are.

Am I a bad mom because I never took Sadira to Sesame Place?

Am I a bad mom because Sadira still hasn't learned to swim all the way by herself?

Am I a bad mom because when it's not a school night I'm flexible, and sometimes waaaay to late with bedtime?

Am I a bad mom because I'm strict when it comes to behavior?  Because I know how well she's CAPABLE of behaving, and when she acts out (or more like a typical 4 year old) I get angry with her?

Am I a bad mom because I didn't try harder with Sadie's dad?  Because I didn't marry him or try harder to "make it work" for her sake?

Am I a bad mom because we are happy with our unconventional family?  Is this teaching her to disrespect the sacrament of marriage?

Am I a bad mom because I don't buy her a birthday gift each year? Because I feel like her party is her gift, and that's sufficient?

Am I a bad mom because I won't let her "play" on my cell phone or iPad?  Because I feel that these are MY things, and she has enough things that are hers, I don't need to share MY electronics too?

Am I a bad mom because I limit her toys?  And when my grandmother starts to send her home with too many new things I make her donate some of her older toys?

Am I a bad mom because I hate hate hate hate hate having toys in my living room/dining room or really anywhere on the first floor?

Am I a bad mom because when I see my friends post on Facebook things like, "Who in the world would have their child out at a restaurant/Target/grocery store/{insert other public place here} at 10pm at night?" I'm usually tempted to raise my hand and say, "ME!  Sadie and I are often those people!"?

Am I a bad mom because at least one night we eat dinner out, because I just don't have it in me to cook?

Am I a bad mom because I refused to listen to kids songs in the car?

Am I a bad mom because as a result of outlawing kids songs in the car, Sadie often hears songs with language not suitable for a four year old?
Am I a bad mom because I'm estranged from my father?  Is it bad that Sadira will never have a relationship with her grandfather, even though she bears his last name?

Am I a bad mom because I frequently slip up and say "shit, damn, ass, or hell" in Sadie's presence, even though I try not to? And instead of working harder on watching my tongue I've taught her that they are words that adults can say but not kids?

Am I a bad mom because I didn't try harder to pump after Sadira weaned herself at 6 months and stopped breastfeeding?

Am I a bad mom because I did not volunteer to chaperone any of her field trips last year?

Am I a bad mom because she doesn't have a TV in her room (and won't probably until she's a teenager, if ever)?

Am I a bad mom because I don't have a college fund for Sadira, and I expect her to finance her own college education just as I did?

Am I a bad mom because I won't let Sadira have a Nintendo DS? or Wii?  or Xbox?

You're probably reading some of those things thinking, "why the hell would think that would make you a BAD mom?  If anything it might make you a better mom!"  

Or you may be reading some of those things and thinking, "well, it's not what I would do, but it certainly doesn't make you a bad mom!"

Or you may be saying, "uhhh..yeah, Nas, you're a pretty crappy, strict mom...."

The beautiful thing is, whatever you answered, I don't care.

I know deep down what works for our family.  I know what's working for us, and what wouldn't.  And I know that at the end of the day I'm doing the best I can, making the best decisions for us, and working with what I've got.  

We all could be doing this parenting thing differently, but we do what works for us...and that NEVER makes us bad moms.

So next time you start to think to yourself, "Am I a bad mom because {insert ridiculous standard here}?"  Remind yourself that just by asking yourself that question you already know the answer.

And I promise I'll try to remember to do the same.

             

Because we are effin' awesome moms.

  

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c'est le joie de vivre! un certain je ne sais quoi!

Me on le troisième étage de la Tour Eiffel (top floor of the Eiffel Tower) on my third and most recent trip to Paris, in 2006.  I seriously cannot get back there fast enough!!!

Why am I spouting out French??  Why do I have a pic from a trip to France to head up this blog post???

Cause I did a little investigating!!

I didn't realize until very recently, that I could read all of my blog stats---how many hits my blog gets, by day, week or month...what websites lead folks to my blog...what search terms are most popular to find my blog...and most interesting to me--what countries my readers reside in!  I guess I never even considered the option that people outside of the U.S. would make it to my blog...I guess I didn't even think anyone other than my friends would read this either.

But I was pleasantly surprised that I've been read in 41 countries.  WOW!

And since July I've had over 10,000 hits.....

Not gonna lie, that's kinda crazy y'all.  
  
And I was particularly thrilled to find out that after the United States, the country with the second highest percentage of readers is...FRANCE!!! Quelle surprise!!


Most anyone who knows me well knows I have a little love affair with all things French.  I'm fairly certain I could live in the City of Lights for years and feel perfectly at home.  I just love the French language and how absolutely poetic it sounds when spoken.  I adore all things Parisian and would love to be able to laze away my days sitting in a quaint little cafe on the side of the Seine River, sipping Orangina and eating pain au chocolat.  Not to mention the fact that the French are known for wine, cheese, and chocolate---these are three things that I am absolutely positive could sustain me for the rest of my life.  One day when I am independently wealthy I will live in Paris for a year or so.  Maybe I'll retire there, who knows.


In the meantime, I would do just about anything to get Sadira to Paris.  I've daydreamed about her running around the foot of the Eiffel Tower...pointing out all of the sights as we take a boat ride down the Seine...visiting Notre Dame and having to scold her for chattering too loudly...dragging her against her will through the Louvre because "it's a famous museum and one day you'll be glad I brought you here."  I'm so ready to show her more of the world, but with grad school loans needing to be repaid, it's going to take a bit of time.  Unless I win the lottery of course, WHICH COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN.


While taking Sadira to Paris couldn't financially make it onto the "30 Before 30" list...it's definitely on the short list of goals in the next 10 years.

So if I can't make it France, at least I know my blog is making it there.  C'est magnifique!!

And a little shout-out for my Frenchy friends:

Bonjour mes amis Français! Je ne sais pas comment vous avez trouvé mon blog, mais je suis vraiment heureux que vous l'avez fait! Je pense que l'un de mes "30 avant le 30 de" aurait dû être de retour à Paris! À bientôt!

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