Monday, September 24, 2012

super sucktastic september

September is usually one of my favorite months.

I love the tail end of summer that transitions to crisp autumn air in September.  I love the start of a new school year, and all the excitement that brings.  I love new extracurricular activities for Sadira.  My mom's birthday.  Labor Day weekend...there are always lots of things to look forward to in September.

Except this year.

This September has sucked in a major way.

This is the story of how September handed me my ass on a silver platter.

It always seems like when it rains it pours.  When one thing goes awry, it's inevitable that everything else is going to go poorly as well, just for good measure.  And I am the Queen of Murphy's Law...if there's any possibility of something happening that technically "shouldn't" happen, it will still happen to me.  It's just the way it works.

September started off great enough...we went to Legally Blonde at the dinner theater for Mom and Sutton's birthdays and that was a ton of fun.  The Orioles are having their best season in years, so fall baseball in Baltimore is actually relevant for once.  Not to mention the Ravens held a phenomenal season opener, blowing the Bengals out of the water.

But there were other but so fun things that have happened.

Work has been stressful in a way its never been before.  Sadie's school year began and it felt impossible to keep up.  Brian had to leave town for a week to go back to Ohio for a funeral, which is horrible enough, but left  me with no back up or extra set of hands.  Then while he was away, I got into a car accident.  I was without my car for a few weeks.  During that time my phone completely died.  I got an unexpected tax bill from the State of Maryland...there was a mix up ..their mistake, but now I owed them more money.  To the tune of several many hundreds of dollars.  Then I got sick.  Then other people around me got sick.  Then I had to pay for said car accident and tax bill and broken phone.

I mean seriously it was one thing after life was starting to feel like the Book of Job.

I didn't blog as much, I didn't exercise as much, I didn't sleep as much.  These things that are therapeutic to me I no longer had time or energy for. 

And while none of these things are earth shattering by themselves, when piled one on top of the other on top of the other, it starts to feel overwhelming.  Beyond overwhelming.  Insurmountable.

And with no back up or outlet I felt off-kilter.  Unbalanced.  Like a top that is spinning and then starts to go off its axis, spinning about wildly.

That's exactly how I felt.  Spinning around, trying to get myself upright again.

And then there were emails, phone calls, text, messages...all from people who didn't MEAN to make me feel crazy, but just did...simply by the fact they they were asking me, "Can you...?"  "Do you...?"  "Have you...?"  "Are you..."  It felt like a million and one questions, none of which I could answer or keep up with.  Everyone needed something for me that I couldn't give or provide.  None I even wanted to deal with.  Inquiries.  Follow ups.  Invitations.  Requests. 

And I seriously just wanted to scream at everyone, "I'M HAVING A SERIES OF CRISES, CAN YOU ALL PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A FEW MINUTES?"

And when I would talk about it, I'd get the unsolicted advice or a lecture.  "You really just need to say no to people."  "You know what you need to do Nas, you need to slow down."  "If you keep this up, you're going to make yourself sick."

Keep this up?  Oh you mean, keep up with my daily responsibilities of getting my kid to school and getting to work?  Cause that's honestly what I'm having a hard time doing.  Yeah thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

I did have friends who understood reach out.  Kerri, offered to help with anything I needed.  From picking up Sadie from school when Brian was out of town, to offering to drive me back to the repair shop to get my car.  She just understands me. One Saturday night Sandi just said, "let me keep Sadie tonight," and it honestly felt like she said, "let me give you a million dollars," because THAT'S how helpful that was in that moment.

And you know what I did?  I stayed home and slept.  Cause I desperately needed to.

Because when you feel like that, everything just becomes another chore or task.  Things that you once would've enjoyed become another thing on the To Do List.  And I'm not talking a fun, "30 Before 30" To Do List, I'm talking about the "Things that suck but I have to do them because I am an adult" To Do List.

Things just kep spinning more and more out of control.

And its become imperative that I STOP. 

About two weeks ago, in the midst of this life crisis, I had to go to a work lunch.  We were out for Chinese and I opened my fortune cookie and this is what it said:

And I seriously thought to myself, "Fortune cookie, are you being sarcastic?  Cause I have been decidedly NOT cheerful in my outlook this entire month..."

And my co-worker said as kindly as possible, "well, yeah, that's you MOST of the time...just not recently..."

So I'm taking back September.  I'm stopping.  I'm getting off this ride.  I'm not passing go, not collecting 100 dollars.  I'm done.  September, you've had my number for three weeks now and I'm over it.  I'm finally FINALLY feeling like I'm getting my head above water, and I'd like to keep it that way.  I've had some great, fantastic, wonderful opportunities come my way recently and I'm not going to let them pass me by due to a sucky attitude or negative outlook.

So there you have it.  Super sucktastic September can find someone else to pick on.


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