Two years ago I started this blog as a list of fun things I wanted to accomplish in the year before I turned 30. Now I'm 31, and this blog has become a memory log of photos I've taken, adventures I've gone on, things I've learned from my 5 year old daughter, and a whole bunch of other crap that happens to pop in my head. I hope you enjoy.
Sadira wasn't in the mood for taking photos, I was trying to get the lighting right and had to wing it quickly, and after a measely two shots, Sades was OVER IT, but I don't even care. This is FAR from a good photo technically, but it's TOTALLY one of my favorite photos because of who is in it. Sadira and her baby cousin!
Sadira (on the outside) and Miss McKenzie (on the inside). She will be gracing us with her presence in February 2013, and I CANNOT WAIT.
I have a feeling I'll be making that two hour drive to Hebron a whole lot more often once the tiny girl is here...
This goes out to all the women getting it in, Get on your grind To the other men that respect what I do Please accept my shine Boy you know you love it How we're smart enough to make these millions Strong enough to bare the children Then get back to business
After spending time with my sisters I always feel a little "Girl Power"'ish. Especially when I see what awesome, strong, independent young women both of my little sisters are becoming.
We had lots of talk this weekend about future, and goals, and creating your own destiny, and going after what you want, and not relying on other people to provide for you to get there.
I'm so proud of them.
And glad that Sadira has some awesome role models right in her very own family to look up to.
And sometimes Beyonce's the only way to get you through a Monday.
"The best laid scheme o' Mice an' Men, gang aft agley." ~Robert Burns
Or, in other words, no matter how well you plan out your day with your family who's coming in from out of town, sh*t can still get eff'd up.
It's true.
So this weekend, we had big exciting plans, since Brandon and Ashleigh were coming to town. We were going to knock some things off the summer list. We were going to take Ashleigh to her first Orioles' baseball game, and go on a tour of Oriole Park. We were going to eat snowballs at Walther Gardens until our bellies hurt. We were going to have so much fun.
It was going to be great.
Until my girl woke up at 5am on Saturday morning complaining that her head hurt.
Now this was very curious, because Sadira has never so much complained of a mild headache before, let alone one so bad that it woke her from her sleep and caused her to cry/whimper for almost an hour.
Until at 6am when that headache got so bad it made her tummy hurt.
And then she threw up. :-(
Good thing I've (relatively) gotten over my fear of throwing up, ever since I went over the edge and had to catch Sadira's puke in my shirt. Well, I guess I shouldn't say I've gotten over my fear of throwing up, but I can say that I can handle my OWN kid throwing up slightly better than I could before.
Still, it makes me anxious.
Anyone with kids (or any teacher) will tell you that once a kid throws up or has a fever, all bets are off.
SIGH.
So our morning plan of going on a Camden Yards tour did not happen.
We quickly re-constructed our day and decided that instead of going to the Diner for breakfast, I'd run to the store and bring back supplies for a breakfast smorgasbord, then Brandon and Ash would watch Sadie while I ran out to a friend's baby shower while Sadie napped. Hopefully she'd be feeling better by the evening and we could entice her out to get a snowball.
Yeah, that didn't so much happen either.
I ran out to the store, to come home to find that Sadira had thrown up again. Her head was hurting worse and she didn't want to eat ANY breakfast. She also didn't want ANY noise (or talking) and didn't want to see ANY light.
And her head still hurt.
Migraine.
I don't suffer from migraines, but I used to get tension headaches in college, and they were awful enough. I guess I never even considered that a 4 year old could get a migraine, but after researching it (and by "research" I mean Googling and asking people on Facebook, haha) I found out it's actual pretty common.
And after a call to the doc to rule out symptoms of meningitis (thank goodness) I was pretty positive we were dealing with a migraine.
:-(
And one very unhappy Sadira.
Who did a lot of this:
and this:
and this:
And she pretty much wanted to sleep in her Mama's bed with her Mama the whole day. Which meant going to the baby shower didn't happen either.
And neither did going out for snowballs.
The worst part of it for me wasn't the disappointment over broken plans, it was the waiting. Knowing that there was little I could do to alleviate her pain, other than the few suggestions I had received, we pretty much just had to hunker down until this thing passed.
And watching your four year old whimper cause it hurts too much to cry, and pat her forehead with her palm out of frustration whispering angrily, "why won't this stop hurting me?!" and curl up in the fetal position with a blanket over her eyes is definitely NOT FUN.
Thankfully a little later in the day, she started to feel well enough to finally eat something and kept it down. And then Gannie showed up with all kinds of treats and berry flavored Children's ibuprofen, which praise the Lord! she was able to keep down.
So Brandon, Ashleigh, and I stepped out for a few minutes to run to get snowballs, while Gannie stayed at home with the sick girl...
...and when we came back she was feeling better.
Whew!
In the end lots of sleep in Mama's bed, a little food, a bunch of understanding from Brandon and Ash, and a dose of Gannie magic did the trick.
As I mentioned a few posts ago, we've been making some great progress on our summer to do list. Now that approximately one third of the summer is under our belts, I wanted to check in to make note of all of the summer that has been had.
And to prove that I'm not THAT much of a procrastinator...
We actually did this for Father's Day with my mom and grandparents. We have no pictures from inside the actual restaurant, but this one is a cute shot of Sadie and Pop after dinner.
Ever hear a song that you haven't heard in awhile and it takes you right back to a moment in your past? Yeah, of course you do. It's happened to all of us. If it hasn't happened to you, well, don't tell me because I may start questioning whether you have a soul or not.
I kid, I kid.
This morning I was sitting in gridlock traffic, getting into a bad mood because 1: it's morning, 2: I didn't have any coffee yet, 3: I'm stuck in gridlock traffic, and 4: I can't help but think that the traffic is a metaphor for how even God must really not want me to go into work today. And while I was sitting in said gridlock getting into a grumpier and grumpier mood, the song "Hey There Delilah" came on the radio.
And I instantly thought, "this song came out 5 years ago this month." Very Rainman-esque of me, right? Well, before you start marveling at my memory capabilities, there is a reason I remember this particular song that topped the charts for weeks in July 2007.
STORY TIME! (Wheeeeeee!!)
As I've mentioned before, Sadira was a big, fat surprise, and getting pregnant with her was never part of my agenda. On Friday March 9, 2007 (here I go playing Rainman again...it was a Friday, I swear, look it up, and NO I didn't have to Google that) I was sitting on my doctor's exam table wearing an uncomfortable and unflattering paper gown. My boyfriend of all of nine months was sitting nervously in a chair next to me and we listened as my doctor confirmed what we were already fearing. I half listened as he told me about "my options" and explained that contrary to popular belief, throwing oneself down a flight of stairs will not rid you of an unplanned pregnancy, but will most likely just cause some broken bones, and not to do it. (I kid you not, he gave me that speech.)
I remember blinking back tears as I watched him write the words, "Pill Failure" on my chart that day, but all I could really focus on was the word failure and how somehow, by this event taking place, I was in fact a failure.
I had never missed a pill, why did it fail me? I didn't want to have a child, I was 25 and my plan was always to enjoy my twenties and live them up! Why was this happening? I had been Student Body President and got a full ride through college for Chrissake, where the hell did I go wrong!?
The next three months were, well, how do I say this gently, living hell. Anyone who's ever been pregnant knows that the first trimester is typically the worst when it comes to symptoms. And it's much more than morning sickness, which thankfully I never had much of. The constipation alone will make you feel like you're practicing for labor (TMI I'm sure, but it's true.) The food aversions made me miserable. The mood swings made everyone around me miserable.
Much worse than the physical discomforts was the psychological torture that I inflicted upon myself. Somewhere I had gone wrong. God was punishing me. I was a terrible person and my life was over.
You know how people are generally extra nice to pregnant women? Holding the door open for them? Asking how they feel? Listening to them complain? Offering their own support or advice? Stopping the world so they can get a snack or pee?
I didn't want to hear any of it.
In my opinion, I didn't deserve special treatment, or advice. I deserved to be alone, feel alone, and have no one congratulate me or say kind words to me or do any favors for me. I was a terrible person. And now this poor child is going to have a terrible, horrible, unprepared person for a mother for the rest of their life. I was a terrible person.
My family, who had done nothing but invest their good efforts in me all of my life, would now have to explain to their friends that I was a failure. Where had they gone wrong, I was certain they wondered. While I knew my mother would be understanding, I dreaded having to tell my traditional, Catholic, religious grandparents. I didn't want to see their disppointment. I was a terrible person.
And then I would hear stories of people who were TRYING to get pregnant and couldn't. People--friends of mine even--who were desperate to get pregnant with a child but were having trouble. And that made me feel like MORE of a terrible person. I was given this gift that should've gone to someone else. And I didn't even WANT it. I was an ungrateful, undeserving brat.
I was a terrible person.
This is what I truly thought.
This went on for three months, though it felt like it was three years. Morning sickness would've been a welcome distraction from the mental torture I put myself through.
I often say now that I didn't have postpartum depression, but I'm pretty positive I had prepartum/pregnancy depression, if such a thing exists.
And then we found out she was a girl. And I started to feel her moves and kicks. We picked her name. And this person growing inside me started to have a shred more of an identity. Don't get me wrong, I was still miserable, but I was hiding it well from the outside.
And then we got a phone call from the doctor. She had cysts in her cerebral spinal fluid and we had to do more tests. My doctor said, "don't Google." I didn't listen. I Googled. And I learned that in 95% of the cases, babies with these cysts turn out perfectly fine. But in the other 5%, it's a marker for one of Trisomys, which is a chromosomal problem which causes severe birth defects. But in these children they don't make it. They are typically stillborn, or if they do survive through birth, they usually don't live for very long after delivery.
It didn't matter than in 95% of cases, children are perfectly healthy.
What mattered was in 5% of the cases, it meant death.
And for the first time, the baby I never planned for, the pregnancy I never wanted was in jeopardy. Just as I was starting to come to terms and make peace with my situation, something was threatening to pull the carpet out from under me.
And I was terrified.
And for several weeks we shuffled from genetic counselor, to high risk doctor, to weekly ultrasounds...
...until our baby was deemed perfectly healthy...
in July of 2007.
And in that month I would hear that song, "Hey There Delilah" in the car, or in the store, or on my iPod and I would sing along, sometimes changing the words to "Hey There Sadira." And when I needed some quiet time I'd go into her purple nursery, and rock in the glider, and sing the words aloud.
It brought me comfort.
"Hey there Delilah Sadira, I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me girl, someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good...
we'll have the life we knew we would.
My word is good"
"Close your eyes...
listen to my voice it's my disguise...
I'm by your side."
And I started to think that maybe I was SUPPOSED to have this child. For some reason God had given me this opportunity to be a mother to this baby girl. And whether or not I was supposed to be pregnant, really didn't matter.
It wasn't about having a baby.
It was about how for some reason I was meant to have THIS baby.
"Hey there Delilah Sadira, I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to youwould take your breath away,
I'd write it all.
Even more in love with me you'd fall...
we'd have it all."
"Oh it's what you do to me...
Oh it's what you do to me..."
And in months later, the negative feelings that had once plagued me, slowly melted away. And the positive ones kept multiplying exponentially. And the village around me grew. Friends and family were excited, supported me, loved the baby who wasn't even born yet, and showered us with love.
And my grandparents who I once feared I had disappointed, danced at my baby shower.
"Delilah Sadira I can promise you
That by the time that we get through
The world will never ever be the same... And you're to blame."
"Oh it's what you do to me...
Oh it's what you do to me..."
It's not a song from a mother to a daughter, it's a song from a guy to a girl. But in the song he talks about how one day everything will be okay. Even though things are not there right now, they will be. And they'll get there together. And when they get there, it will be amazing.
It's a song about hope, love, and faith.
At the time, I didn't know how wonderful it would get. I didn't even know that we'd get to the point of happiness that my baby shower pictures depict. Getting there felt like an accomplishment, at the time.
Where I am now, five years later, feels like it should've never been possible.
When I heard it this morning, even though I was stuck in gridlock rush hours traffic with no coffee, I realized how the wonderful life we have today once felt like it would never be possible.
And when I hear it, I'm instantly taken back to that place I was in, in July 2007, feeling my journey of emotions in the four minutes and three seconds of the song.
Disappointment Sadness Fear Worry Anxiety Relief! Peace Calmness Happiness Excitment
and finally, and most importantly,
Gratitude
While Sadira may be an "accident" in a medical record, I know now that it was with a greater purpose that she was brought into our lives. And I'm so thankful for that, because she truly brings so much to our family.
It's amazing how something that once felt like your biggest failure could become your biggest accomplishment.
"You'll know it's all because of you We can do whatever we want to... Hey there Delilah Sadira here's to you This one's for you."
I love serendipity, nostalgia, traveling, good friends, traveling WITH good friends, coincidences, last minute plans, red wine in big glasses, doing things I've never done before (except things involving heights or spiders), screaming like a lunatic at Baltimore Ravens games, but most of all, I love my family and my Sadira G. Oh yeah, and chocolate. Can't forget chocolate.
