Oh no you DI'INT, Ryan Lochte!
I warn you that this is going be an extremely superficial post. But I have to just take a moment and talk about Ryan Lochte. He's been the topic of much conversation on my Facebook, and in my household, and he even showed up in my email box this morning. He *may* have even found his way into my dreams this past week, I can't recall for sure. But it's time I break down my feelings.
So months before the Olympics even started, I was hearing this kid's name all over the place. He had beaten Michael Phelps, and was now considered the best in the world. It was going to be such a great showdown in London between these two super mermen, and the good news? They're both American! We win the male swimmer jackpot!
As the Olympics approached I started seeing his picture pop up..."oh, who's that? THAT'S Ryan Lochte? I don't remember him looking like THAT..." It suddenly seemed that Ryan Lochte was like that goofy kid that you used to see around the neighborhood four years ago, and all the sudden he grew up, beefed up, chopped his crazy hair and got HOT.
Like, REALLY hot...
I mean GORGEOUS, right?
And all of the sudden I'm all, "Nas, why didn't you notice this guy before?? Were you so caught up in Phelps Phever that he just backstroked right by and never caught your attention???"
The answer is actually much more superficial than I'd like to admit..
..he just wasn't that hot.
There, I said it.
Actually he was a bit of a hot mess in Athens..
He got a little easier on the eyes in Beijing...
And then London happened:
This is a man who was SUCCESSFUL in Beijing. He won FOUR medals, and two of them were gold! I mean, granted it wasn't a Michael Phelps record, but that's not bad. Why did he get no attention?
Because he was a dopey, goofy-looking swimmer, not a beefy heartthrob. And Michael was already filling the dopey, goofy-looking swimmer role, and was earning more medals while he was doing it.
Sorry to be so superficial, but Lochte of Beijing, was just not the stunner that he is today in London.
Like, seriously, we went from this:
Isn't it incredible what a good haircut can do for a man?
Shut up Condescending Wonka...
And then my friend posted this photo of him on my Facebook:
And OH MYGAH, now he's like this perfect specimen of athleticism, and ruggedness, and dimples, and twinkly eyes...
And sometimes when he looks into the camera, it's like he's staring right into my SOUL.
Oh yeah, baby, I see you looking over here..
What's that? You like puppies?
Oh Dear Lord...
Oh what's that you say? Ryan Lochte needs a rub down in his ice bath after that last race?
Seriously, that was all it took. A couple gorgeous photos and I found my allegiance swaying from Michael Phelps to Ryan Lochte.
Can I really be serious? Phelps is not only one of the best swimmers of all time, but he's from BALTIMORE!! How could I be such a traitor?!
I instantly felt horrible.
Damn traitor, I could hear Michael Phelps say to me through the TV.
I'm sorry Michael Phelps, really I am...but...
But what, Nas? What is it? He's just so pretty?? Is that what it is?
Yeah, I mean it kinda is...he IS awfully pretty..
And he's got that damn perfect smile, huh? And the dimples?
I mean, yeah, when you mention it...he really DOES...WOW, I love dimples...
And so I just decided I would cheer for both. That's fair, right? I mean, afterall they're both AMERICANS, so it's a win-win situation, right? At least that's how I justified it to myself.
Sadira was NOT amused. "We cheer for Michael Phelps, Mommy," she told me. No additional explanation, just that. He is our champion. He is our hometown boy. We cheer for him...OR ELSE.
Yet that first night, last week, when they stood side by side about to begin their first competition against one another, I couldn't help but pull for Lochte.
Mostly because I just wanted to see more of him.
And when he won the gold, and Michael astonishingly didn't medal AT ALL...well, I couldn't help but feel a twinge guilty...
Michael Phelps' eyes glared at me. Thanks a LOT, Nas. I could totally tell that you were rooting for him.
I'm sorry, Michael Phelps. Really I am.
I can't believe you. I can't believe this. I can't believe I lost to that douchebag.
Michael Phelps! That's not nice, don't call Ryan Lochte a douchebag! He's your teammate! I mean, look at him over there, swimming around like a little blowfish, all cute and sexy at the same time...
Through the TV Michael Phelps seemed to glare at me with disdain.
And then Ryan Lochte showed up with his gold medal...and some junk in his mouth shaped like the American flag...uhh...wwhhhaa?? Seriously Ryan, why would you do this? You're HOT and TALENTED! Don't ruin it for me...
UGH. Seriously Ryan? 2005 called, they want their lame ass grill back.
And then as the days went on, and Ryan Lochte got more and more press coverage, it began to be painfully obvious...
...he's a Major D-Bag.
Ryan, you are not a gangsta. You are a swimmer. Like a little fishie. Quit being so douchey...
What is this nonsense?
F'real, quit it. This is getting a little lame.
Okay, a LOT lame. What's next, a custom Affliction shirt and a bro-hawk? STOP IT.
(Please notice, the front of his shirt says "I Love Breast" and the back says "Stroke.")
And then I started hearing more in the news about how douchey he is. I mean, they didn't just come out and SAY it, but I saw a piece that feautured his "shoe collection." At first I was excited...I love shoes too! But then I relaized...his shoe collection just ups his level of D-Bagginess...
His "signature" green RHINESTONE shoes.
More of the "collection."
Okay, just make it stop...please...
And then my friend Laura posted this most hilarious link on Facebook the other day. And it was all about...Ryan Lochte's douchiness. And that despite his flaws, women all over America still find him ridiculously good-looking.
And it was so funny, that I had to search harder, to find some of Ryan Lotche's tweets. I had to read his thoughts to confirm that he was just THAT much of a D-Bag that I presumed him to be.
oh and let's not forget..
So not only is Ryan Lochte certifiably a D-Bag...but he's also kind of an idiot as well...
The video in this link really drives home that point.
Know who knew this all along?
This guy right here:
Hey there. Remember me? I've got 20 medals and counting. Most decorated Olympian of all time. Did you happen to hear about that?
Sorry Michael Phelps, you were right. He is kind of a tool...
Oh I know...I've been dealing with him for years.
I've found that patting his head and calling him "bro" usually keeps his douchiness at bay...
I'm sure you're right, Michael Phelps.
Hey Nas...did ya hear?
Hear what, Michael Phelps?
I broke another record...three consecutive golds. First guy to win gold in the same event for three consecutive Olympics...and when I did it I beat that Lochte kid.
I did hear that Michael, excellent job. We're very proud.
Ha! I bet you are, sweetcheeks...
Moral of the story? I am glad that Michael Phelps is our Olympic hero. Despite that nasty little drug situation of a few years ago, and his awkward goofiness, he is our hometown boy and a phenominal Olympian. And while he's not perfect, he's a much better role model than Lochte.
RL: "So I said to this Russian chick, 'yeah girl, you can TOTALLY hold my gold!' and then that Brazilian I hooked up with last week was all, 'say whaaaa?' and I was like, 'chill ladies! there's enough Lochte to love!"
MP: "I still don't care, Ryan."
I mean, sure Ryan Lochte is fun to look at and all...but I don't care to welcome him home with flourish and fanfare like I do this guy:
So thank you Ryan Lochte, you gorgeous piece of man-fish...for making this Olympics much more fun to watch. Now run along, and enjoy the rest of your time in the Olympic Village. And please don't give the ladies from the Czech beach volleyball team any STDs while you're at it. We do want to be good little ambassadors, after all.